Date: 19 Nov 2011 Comments: 0

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can someone read over my story and help me correct the mistakes?

November 2532
The sun was hidden amongst the darkness as a space station Earthrise floated motionless amongst its shadow. The lights flickering bright then slowly fading. Earthrise was one of the three space stations to be kept in contact with the Office of Naval Intelligence due to the amount of intelligence that was carried on board the station.
Everything was dead silent as the only sound is of the generators powering the station. Two are seen talking to each other in the hall of the station, “Ah man, I use to love the beach.” “Yeah, I can't wait to get out of this place and relax.” Looking outside of the station, the marines saw something afar that not even the radar could detect. “Is that one of our pods?” They run to the captain of the station and quickly tell him that foreign pods are approaching the station. The captain took out his binoculars and took a look trying to get a glimpse at the mysterious pods.

November 2532

The sun was hidden against the darkness as space station Earthrise floated motionless amongst its shadow, the station's lights flickering brightly, then slowly fading.

Earthrise was one of the three space stations that kept in contact with the Office of Naval Intelligence, because of the great deal of intelligence that was carried on board the station.
Everything was dead silent, save the sound of the generators powering the station. Two marines were talking to each other in the hall of the station.
“Ah man, I use to love the beach.”
“Yeah, I can't wait to get out of this place and relax.” Looking outside of the station, the marines saw, in the distance, something that not even the radar could detect.
“Is that one of our pods?” They ran to the captain of the station and quickly told him that foreign pods were approaching the station. The captain took out his binoculars and took a look, trying to get a glimpse at the mysterious pods.
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This is an EXCELLENT beginning! It hooked me from the very start. And now I want to know what happens next >.<

Your writing is also excellent, but you had some errors in grammar, and you switched back and forth between the present and past tense a lot.

I combined some sentences and added punctuation in other spots. I also fixed the errors in tense, and made it all past tense (as most stories are written in the past, it sounds much better than the present). I changed phrasing in some spots where what you wrote was awkward.

I changed the formatting, splitting some parts into more paragraphs where it would be better to have multiple paragraphs. I fixed the dialogue as well (every time you have a new speaker, make it a new paragraph).

I would suggest adding some more detail about Earthrise, as it goes suddenly from describing its physical appearance to talking about its function, which doesn't flow well. The first sentence is a little confusing, so you should probably clarify what the shadow belongs to (I assumed it was the sun, though I'm pretty sure the sun doesn't have a shadow). Also, talk more about the Earthrise's functions. I'm not exactly sure what it means by intelligence, so more description would be lovely.

More detail about the marines would be very welcome, especially if they turn out to be important. It's always nice to have more detail.
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All in all, this is a great beginning you've got here =) It really makes me want to read more. Please, tell me when you've got more written, I'd love to read it!

Happy writing, hope this has been a help! =)